Vasectomy Regret: Will You Regret Your Vasectomy?
October 2, 2024
Vasectomy should be considered permanent. Despite being permanent, there are those who will have vasectomy regret.
Vasectomy regret occurs in up to 10% of vasectomy patients. One out of ten patients is a significant number. If you are seriously considering vasectomy you can also be reassured nine out of ten will not regret their decision.
If you regret your vasectomy then you will consider vasectomy reversal. Vasectomy can be reversed but it is expensive and not guaranteed to work. Health insurance will never pay for reversal. You may end up spending a lot of money and time on reversal surgery and the surgery may not be successful.
We consider vasectomy regret a unique risk of vasectomy.
The risk of vasectomy regret is difficult to discuss because it requires you to acknowledge a future event you believe will never happen. Not only do you have to acknowledge the possibility of this future event but you also have to simulate how this event will impact you emotionally.
To some extent it may not be reasonable or fair to expect patients to envision a future event that will most likely not happen.
Understanding the possibility of vasectomy regret requires you to acknowledge that none of us can predict the future. None of us can fully process how a theoretical future even will impact our current decision.
Vasectomy regret: ‘Normal’ vs ‘Abnormal regret’
We like to separate vasectomy into two categories: ‘normal regret’ and ‘abnormal regret’.
Regret itself is not a bad word. Regret is not always a bad. Regret can be a very appropriate feeling given the correct situation.
Normal vasectomy regret
It can be normal to make an important decision and have occasional thoughts of regret. This is a normal.
For example, many of us will get a household pet. As a result of this long lasting decision, we may have temporary moments of regretting our decision. We may regret our decision when we want to go on a long trip and don’t have pet care while we are gone. We may regret our decision when that pet defecates in the house.
Although we will love our pet, there will be times when we regret our decision to get a pet. This is a very normal response to situations which make us rethink our previous decision. These feelings of regret are temporary, may come and go, but don’t significantly change the way we carry on our lives.
Abnormal vasectomy regret
This is a more severe form of regret. This regret comes and goes but it stays with you longer than it is away from you. This form of regret is intrusive and begins to interfere with your life. Not only do you regret what you have done but also regret how your decision impacts others in your life.
Abnormal regret intrudes into your daily life, relationship, and outlook on your life. If your vasectomy beings to impact your relationship or your perception of your self-worth then you will consider vasectomy reversal.
The certainty of vasectomy
The following are the most common responses we get from patients when we ask them if they are certain of their decision:
- We are 100% sure we don’t want anymore kids.
- If we want kids we will adopt.
- We have thought about it and if something happens we are okay with this decision.
- Anyone I find in the future is going to have to be happy with my decision.
- I have never wanted kids.
On average, most patients request vasectomy reversal approximately 8 years after their vasectomy procedure. All patients who have a vasectomy reversal surgery have said at least one of the above responses when they had their vasectomy.
In your current situation the above certainties about your vasectomy may be very rational responses when having your procedure. Your feelings can change in an instant if your partner changes their minds or you meet that very special someone who makes you ‘tingle’ on the inside.
We want all patients to be honest with themselves and admit that none of us can predict the future. It is in this uncertainty of the future that you may regret your decision to have a vasectomy.
The reality is people change their mind and may want more children, not all who say they will adopt will actually end up adopting, your future partner may refuse to be happy with your decision, or you could change your mind and actual want a child in your life.
It takes two to tango
You may not regret your vasectomy but your partner could regret the vasectomy.
If your current partner begins to regrets your decision then it will cause stress in the relationship and you may ultimately end up regretting your decision.
If your future partner regrets you having a vasectomy then it will be made clear at some point in the relationship and you will regret your decision.
We commonly have patients who inquire about reversal. We have identified common scenarios which cause people to have vasectomy and regret their decision in the future.
Will you regret having a vasectomy?
Many of the following are reasons for getting a vasectomy that may increase the chance you will regret having a vasectomy in the future. We consistently identify these reasons in patients who seek vasectomy reversal:
- New relationship
- The “Straight Flush Family”
- Twins or triplets
- Trying to save/escape a troubled relationship
- The large family paradox
- Death of a child
- Vasectomy for the wrong reason
- The “Secret Vasectomy”
- Vasectomy side-effects
Vasectomy regret after starting a new relationship
Getting into a new relationship is the is the most common reason people seek vasectomy reversal. We frequently see patients who have a vasectomy while getting divorced or before they start a new, more serious relationship.
Many times it is the new person who can fuel the flames of regret. New relationships in which the new partner does not have children is the strongest motivator to make a person consider vasectomy reversal.
If you find yourself in a new relationship and that person has children then there will be less pressure on you to reverse your vasectomy. Maybe they have a child but they want another? Maybe you want to have that ‘together child’?
If you find yourself in a new relationship and that person does not have children then you will be at much higher risk for regretting your decision to have a vasectomy.
“Doc anyone I might end up with is going to have to be happy with my decision!”
Maybe you will love them so much you want to give them a child, you don’t want them to grow old and be alone, or you want them to have a child to help them in their old age long after you are gone?
Maybe you are afraid they will ultimately leave you for a man who can give them a child.
Obviously no one know the answers to any of these questions when considering a vasectomy. If you are like most vasectomy patients these possibilities are unimaginable but these are the situations that make people seriously consider vasectomy reversal.
Remember none of us can predict the future. If your new partner does not have children and/or you are ‘love struck’ then you will consider vasectomy reversal.
Stress of the ‘Straight Flush’ family
When people have several children close together the stress of having so many young children that need constant attention will seriously make people have a vasectomy.
We are 100% sure we don’t want anymore kids.
We commonly see patients who have 3 or 4 children a year apart request vasectomy reversal once the youngest kids is older and more self-sufficient.
We like to call these the ‘Straight Flush families’ because they have kids about a year a part. The ages of their kids are sequential just like having that game winning straight flush poker hand.
If you have a straight flush in poker you will be thrilled and ‘go all in’ but when your kids are sequential in age and large in number you will get a vasectomy. You will definitely be all in!
Remember none of us can predict the future. When that youngest kid is more independent then the stress of the ‘Straight Flush’ family be forgotten and the desire to have another young child may intrude into your relationship.
It take two to tango…you may not regret your vasectomy but your partner could. If so then you will consider vasectomy reversal.
Twins: Vasectomy provides salvation
The only thing more stressful than having to care for a newborn would be having to care for two or three newborns at the same time.
Having a child can be an overwhelming experience, having two young children at the same time can be exponentially overwhelming. Neither parent sleeps, eats, or functions on a normal schedule for a long time.
Almost all women believe they will have twins. Most women will not have twins but when twins or triplets do occur then many of these same women fear they will have a repeat set of twins with the next pregnancy. The only thing more stressful than twins is two sets of twins!
Two newborns that are crying, constantly feeding, and continually having diapers changed is very stressful. It is even more stressful when there are other young children in the household. Vasectomy often can be an act of personal salvation.
We are 100% sure we don’t want anymore kids.
None of us can predict the future. When that set of twins is old enough to take care of themselves and especially when these children start to help each other, some couples will feel they made a premature decision when choosing vasectomy. They will consider vasectomy reversal.
Vasectomy and the troubled relationship
Vasectomy is a procedure intended to permanently prevent pregnancy. Vasectomy is not a therapeutic intervention that will magically repair dysfunctional relationships.
Some people have a vasectomy to save a relationship. Either they feel pressure from their partner to have vasectomy or they believe the prevention of additional children will allow them more time to repair a troubled relationship.
Some people have a vasectomy to escape a relationship. Obviously having a vasectomy does not help a difficult relationship but it will prevent you from having more children that is only going to increase the difficulties of getting out of that troubled relationship. If a relationship is going down the drain, you having more children will not prevent that from happening. It may delay the inevitable but it will not prevent the ultimate outcome.
None of us can predict the future. Vasectomy does not fix the difficulties two people may be having. If you get a vasectomy and then get divorced you may regret your decision. You may feel vasectomy was forced upon you by another person.
When people feel like another person forced them to do something that is permanent and only impacts them, they not only regret their decision but they also become angry.
The Large Family Paradox
We have seen people who have 4 or more children regret their vasectomy and seek reversal. To be clear they are wanting more children with the same partner. We call this the ‘Large Family Paradox’.
It would seem to make sense that a couple who has 4 or more children would have enough children to satisfy them.
In most cases this is a correct assumption, but in some situations a large number of children only creates the desire to have even more children.
We are 100% sure we don’t want anymore kids.
When you have a large family the entire daily core mission of the parents is to take care of and provide for the family. When that youngest child becomes five or older and goes off to school the house can seem ’empty’ during school hours.
If the spouse is a stay at home spouse, they sometimes begin feeling the nest is empty and they need more children to keep their ‘daily routine’ going. Their raison d’etre (reason for being) is challenged.
Their choices are to go get a job, find a hobby, volunteer, or have another child. In many cases, they are limited because they must take care of older children and may not have enough time to do something new that requires a large time commitment. Often they fall back on what they know best…raising children. So very often their decision will be to have another child.
Even though you may have ‘enough’ kids, sometimes the desire to have ‘just one more’ can be overwhelming. None of us can predict the future. You may be surprised.
Death of a child
This one is, thankfully, not very common but children can die. The desire to ‘replace’ them can be very real.
This is the main reason we recommend not having a vasectomy while their spouse is pregnant.
- Pregnancy miscarriage is very common (10% to 20% of pregnancies). Pregnancy loss can be higher in women with high-risk medical conditions like high blood pressure, diabetes, and mothers who are Advanced Maternal Age (over the age of 35).
- Death or serious injury can happen during the birthing process. Not all newborns are born healthy. Not all newborns are born alive.
- Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) can occur without warning in infants up to a year of age.
We hope these events never happens to any of our patients.
We have thought about it and if something happens we are okay with this decision.
Pregnancy miscarriages are common. Some women may miscarry soon after having a positive pregnancy test or within several weeks of a missed period. Many of these women will grieve the miscarriage just as if they lost a newborn baby they were holding in their arms. They will long to be pregnant and you will consider vasectomy reversal.
Many of our patients will tell us, “Even if these things do happen we will be okay with our decision to have a vasectomy.”
Will you really be okay with your decision? How do you know? Chances are one of you will not be ‘okay’ with your vasectomy and you will consider reversal. None of us can predict the future.
Vasectomy for the wrong reason
Vasectomy prevents you from having a child. It does not help you grieve the death of a loved one or help you find a job if you have been fired.
Some patients will experience the death of a loved one, usually a parent, and have a vasectomy because they cannot imagine bringing a child into the world without that person there to share the experience.
Some people will get laid off or separated from their partner and get a vasectomy because they just can’t imagine having another child given the circumstances.
Vasectomy prevents you from fathering children. It does not solve any of your current problems.
Having “The Secret Vasectomy”
The secret vasectomy is a well known occurrence in which patients will have a vasectomy without telling their partner.
They will often attempt to pay for their vasectomy in cash, decline paperwork and receipts, and request our office does not contact them after their vasectomy procedure.
The reason for the secret vasectomy is usually because the patient is having an affair and cannot risk fathering a child. Alternative, they may believe their partner is having an affair and any unintentional pregnancy will prove the existence of the affair.
None of us can predict the future and if your vasectomy becomes known it will further undermine the trust in your relationship. Your partner may ‘force’ you to have a reversal to penalize you or to make you ‘prove’ your love.
Alternatively, you may feel so guilty from having an affair that you may believe vasectomy reversal will atone for your indiscretion.
Vasectomy side-effects and vasectomy regret
This is one of the least common reasons to seek reversal but it does happen. It is uncommon to have vasectomy side-effects serious enough to make you have a reversal but it is possible.
The chance of having chronic scrotal pain after vasectomy is about 1 out of every 1,500 vasectomy patients. If you do develop chronic scrotal pain you may regret your vasectomy. Chronic scrotal pain can happen after any surgery to the pelvis (hernia surgery) or back (disc surgery) and can be difficult to treat.
If you develop chronic scrotal pain after vasectomy and other forms of treatment are not effective, then your doctor may advise you consider vasectomy reversal.
We cannot predict future outcomes. If you are one of the rare patients who develop chronic pain after vasectomy you may consider vasectomy reversal.
Does not having children increase the risk of vasectomy regret?
Approximately 10% of our patients do not have biological children at the time of their vasectomy. Although it may seem like these patients would be at higher risk of regretting their vasectomy, the opposite seems to be true.
People who have vasectomy as a result of strong personal convictions to not reproduce are often more certain in their decision than then patient who has three children and has a vasectomy because they think ‘they are done’.
Some medical studies have suggested patients who have a vasectomy without having children may be more certain in their decision and have stronger convictions for having vasectomy. This group of patients may be at lower risk of suffering from vasectomy regret.
I have never wanted kids.
That being said we do have patients without biological children who regret their vasectomy and consider vasectomy reversal. This is usually because they meet a ‘new special someone’ who dramatically changes their perception of the world in which they live.
Instead of “Why should we bring a child into THIS world?” their view changes to “Why would we NOT want to express our love together by bringing a child into this world?”
Remember none of us can predict the future.
Does sperm banking decrease the chance of vasectomy regret?
Who knows?
In the short term sperm banking may provide you with reassurance against the feeling of regret.
In the long term sperm banking will only decrease regret if you need the sperm and the banked sperm results in a pregnancy.
If you dont bank enough sperm and cannot cause pregnancy then you will ultimately regret your decision to have a vasectomy.
What is sperm banking?
Sperm banking is a process where you collect sperm before your vasectomy. The sperm is frozen and stored by a laboratory. If sperm is required for future reproduction then the sperm can be unfrozen and used ‘naturally’ with intra-uterine insemination (IUI) or used in the laboratory for in-vitro fertilization (IVF).
- IUI: sperm placed in woman’s vagina to cause ‘natural’ pregnancy. May require many samples with a high count.
- IVF: sperm allowed to fertilize eggs inside an incubator or injected directly into the egg (ICSI). Requires far less sperm and the sperm count is not as critical.
If you are considering storing sperm you can easily search the internet for a company than can mail you a sperm banking kit to your home. You do not need to see a doctor or a specialist.
You can easily collect the sperm in the privacy of your own home, mail it back to the lab (usually on ice), and the lab will freeze your sperm indefinitely. You will have to pay for the kit and pay an annual storage fee.
Potential problems with sperm banking
Sperm banking does not provide you with a 100% chance of being able to have a child again in the future.
Say you are about to take a long golfing or hunting trip with your friends to a remote location. How many golf balls or how much ammo will you take?
Will you take enough? What if you have a rough couple of days? Will you run out? What happens if you run out of golf balls or ammunition? Can you ever have enough? These are the same potential issues you can have with sperm banking.
Young, healthy future partner. If your future partner is young and healthy then you can easily use the sperm with intra-uterine insemination (IUI). This is when you use a little plastic pipette… a miniature ‘turkey baster device’ if you will… to squirt the sperm high into the vagina on the day of ovulation. This provides a 10% to 20% chance of pregnancy. You will need at least 5 vials to theoretically get a 100% chance of pregnancy if your partner is young and healthy. Remember no infertility treatment is guaranteed.
If you have a low sperm count, if your partner is older, or if your partner has health issues then you may require more than 5 attempts. What will you do if you dont have enough samples and run out?
What if the lab loses your samples or they accidentally thaw out or the samples are misplaced or lost?
What if it works and your partner wants more children? Will you have enough sperm left?
Older, less healthy future partner. If your future partner is older and/or has health issues then you may need to go straight to in-vitro fertilization (IVF). IVF is not cheap and health insurance will never pay for fertility treatment when that treatment is only required because of a poor decision you made.
Vasectomy regret: IVF vs vasectomy reversal
If you regret your vasectomy then you will have to consider IVF, vasectomy reversal, or adoption.
In-vitro fertilization (IVF).This is where they give your partner injections of high-doses of hormones to produce a lot of eggs. Those eggs are retrieved from the ovary under conscious sedation with a needle. If you have had a vasectomy and banked sperm then you can use your frozen banked sperm. If you did not bank sperm then they will have to retrieve sperm from your testicles with a needle inserted through the scrotum to use for IVF.
IVF is an expensive process. It is even more expensive after vasectomy. The total cost of a single cycle of IVF could cost $15,000 to $25,000 and the average success is about 30% chance for each cycle. If you attempt a cycle and it does not work then guess what? You will have to pay all over again. Health insurance will rarely pay for IVF. You will have to pay out of pocket.
Vasectomy reversal. Vasectomy can be reversed. The chance of success depends on how long you have had the vasectomy but there are no guarantees.
Vasectomy reversal success can be as low as 40% (vasectomy 12 + years) or as high as 95% (vasectomy <3 years). Health insurance will never pay for vasectomy reversal. You will have to pay out of pocket. Vasectomy reversal costs can run as high as $15,000.
If we want kids we will adopt.
Adoption. Many people express the desire to adopt but the reality is less people actually end up adopting.
Adoption is not a 100% guarantee you will get another child. The process can be stressful and painfully long. Birth parents can change their mind and the total cost can be as much as, and sometimes more than, the amounts quoted above for IVF and vasectomy reversal.
Adoption is not always as easy as it sounds. Many people want a child that is genetically similar to them. Adoption can be very expensive. Adoption is not always guaranteed and can have a failure rate similar to some infertility treatments.
Will you regret your vasectomy?
Most vasectomy patients will not regret having a vasectomy. They will be satisfied with having the best and most effective form of permanent birth control.
If you are sure you won’t regret your decision and would like the most modern, minimally invasive form of vasectomy then His Choice Vasectomy is the procedure for you.
To find the nearest His Choice Vasectomy provider visit: His Choice Vasectomy Near Me
We would like all patients to acknowledge regret is a risk of vasectomy that cannot be adequately discussed because it requires discussion of theoretical future events that most patients cannot even imagine is possible.
Only time will tell if you will regret your vasectomy. None of us can predict the future.
